Border Patrol Not Too Sure About This 'Mohammed Sanchez' Guy
U.S. · May 15, 2023 ·

SAN DIEGO, CA — Authorities say they aren't quite sure what to make of the "totally Mexican man" they picked up over the weekend who identifies himself as Mohammed Sanchez. According to sources, he crossed the U.S.-Mexico border with a caravan of undocumented immigrants but drew a lot of attention to himself because of his thick beard, turban, and what he claimed was a "purely decorative" AK-47.

"Yeah, this guy — I dunno, something's off about him," admitted Border Patrol Agent George Dalton. "I mean he looks Mexican — sorry, I mean Latinx — but he doesn't speak a lick of Spanish. Also, he was carrying a Koran, which I guess is a Muslim choose your own adventure book or something. Pretty sure Latinx people don't read those weird squiggly words."

"On the other hand, his last name is Sanchez and he says he's 'super Mexican.' I'm not sure where to go on this one."

Also concerning was the manifesto found on Sanchez's person which describes a passion for killing infidels and calls for "the great Satan to be wiped off the face of the earth." However, Sanchez maintains the manifesto is merely fan fiction for Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.

Homeland Security Secretary Mayorkas says that Biden has been briefed on the matter but would like to avoid making any decisions before the election.

At publishing time, Mohammed Sanchez had been released from custody and asked to please come back for a hearing in three months.

"I think that if he doesn't return, that will be a clear sign that he was an international terrorist," said a spokesperson for U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement. "It may be the only way to find out for sure."

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