TIJUANA - Tensions flared this week at the San Ysidro Land Port of Entry, the border crossing between San Diego and Tijuana. The first wave of the migrant caravan arrived on Sunday to find a human chain of Customs and Border Patrol (CBP) officers linking arms in what can only be called "the most epic Red Rover showdown of all time."

"Red Rover, Red Rover, send José right over!" the agents called out, as José Martinez of Tegucigalpa, Honduras did his best to charge across the open field and crash through the opposing line into sweet, sweet freedom.

Unfortunately for Martinez, the game devolved into chaos when some of the migrants allegedly "cheated by throwing rocks and sending over more than one player at a time," at which point, border guards fired tear gas into the crowd.

"Until the wall is funded, this is our best means of defense," lamented Chief of U.S. Border Patrol, Carla Provost. "Do you have any idea how many CBP officers it takes to cover 1,900 miles of southern border?"

The Department of Homeland Security reportedly anticipates a similar face-off along the Rio Grande, where agents are standing by for a game of high-stakes sharks and minnows.