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Bono Announces He Will Resume Pretending To Be A Christian After Helping Overturn Abortion Ban

DUBLIN, IRELAND—In a heartfelt announcement Tuesday, U2 frontman Bono confirmed he would resume pretending to be a Christian after the official U2 account voiced support for the recent repeal of the Eighth Amendment in Ireland, which had prevented women from having abortions in the country.

The legendary musician had temporarily set aside his claimed Christianity during the campaign to repeal Ireland’s strict abortion restrictions, but confirmed he would be ending his hiatus from Christian values now that the measure has passed. The rock star reportedly feared losing U2’s large Christian fanbase and the adoration of worship leaders everywhere, but was able to assuage the concerns of these groups with his announcement.

“Now that the Eighth Amendment has been repealed, rest assured that I will continue to make vaguely Christian references in my interviews and music,” he said. “While I set aside my faith for a few weeks there to make sure that abortion would take over the once deeply religious nation of Ireland, I’m back and more passionate about Jesus and faith and love and stuff than ever.”

“Just, like, coexist, man,” he added.

As part of a good faith effort to win back his Christian fans, Bono further announced that U2 would be offering on its website a download of helpful chord charts that worship guitarists may use to “lightly sprinkle” the band’s riffs throughout any modern worship song.

At publishing time, Bono had confirmed that he still reserved the right to embrace literally any progressive position at any time, after which he would resume claiming the name of Jesus in his concerts and public statements.