SULPHUR, OK — Studies show commercially available incendiaries purchased at roadside shacks run by old toothless men are probably fine and won't blow up in your face or anything.
A recent survey of roadside fireworks stands shows the majority of the tiny bombs for sale won't explode as soon as you light them up, with only a mere 30-40 percent tops that might blast apart during use.
"Firewords purchased at Toothless Jimmy's Roadside Rockets are probably mostly safe," National Fireworks Association Spokesman Dale Smith commented. "Jimmy is an honest man who only purchases the highest quality incendiaries made by his brother-in-law Bubba in Bubba's backyard shed. We've investigated the operation and can confirm Bubba rarely drinks homemade moonshine while he's packing black powder and fuses into small canisters. Rarely."
Researchers believe the data will quell consumer concerns about buying items named ‘The Anihilator' or ‘Atomic Rapture' from toothless guys who run roadside fireworks stands. "My inventory is the best in all of western Oklahoma! Why, shucky-dang-darn yessir! I stand behind every one of them little rockets. Just not too closely…if you get my drift," Jimmy said.
As of publishing time, ten locals were being treated at a nearby urgent care for burns and injuries. Jimmy maintains the fact that all of them bought fireworks at his stand is purely coincidence.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
