WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a hotly anticipated announcement, the Biden 2024 Presidential Campaign has just unveiled its exciting new campaign slogan: "Only Senile Some Of The Time."
Staffers say that the motto is meant to help redirect growing distrust of the president's failing mental capacities by reminding Americans that Biden is only senile some of the time, rather than suffering from dementia all of the time.
"Joe's been catching a bad rap lately, and we just think that people don't realize that he's actually fairly lucid for about three to four hours each day, depending on medications," said Curt Kristoferson, a senior Biden campaign staffer and slogan designer. "He doesn't really even start showing his age until about 4:00 in the afternoon — he's sharp and energetic for a good couple of hours before that. We just want to remind voters that he's not as far gone as he always looks in debates, press conferences, campaign speeches, global summits, and other public appearances."
President Biden was available for comment, as it was only 3:30 when he was asked. "That's right, Jack! No more of this dementia malarkey — just good old thrubmelisbtieusty…uh, campaigning! I'm not sen…senate…senectile! That's a lie straight outta old Corn Pop! We're gonna…guh…that's right! Just you watch, Jack!"
At publishing time, staffers in an unmarked warehouse with a "Kamala 2024" sign carelessly propped against the door had been heard pitching the slogan "Only Gouge-Your-Eyes-Out Irritating Most Of The Time."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
