COLUMBIA, SC — Security footage from First Methodist Church of Forest Acres revealed that church-goer Chet Watkinson used a pair of high-powered Celestron Skymaster 25X70 binoculars to make absolutely certain that the greeters had gone into the church before approaching the sanctuary last Sunday.
According to three minutes of grainy images, Watkinson arrived strategically close to the beginning of the service, surreptitiously parked his car at the end of a remote row in the church parking lot, and then peered towards the church doors through a comically large pair of binoculars until he was positive that both of the greeters had gone inside.
"Introvert that I am, it's the most nerve-wracking part of my week," Watkinson confessed when asked about his actions. "I mean, I love Todd and James, but they're just so…so friendly every week. And then they always ask how my week was, try to make small talk -- I can't deal with it! Just being near this many people is terrifying, much less trying to talk to them. It's too much!"
Sources say that Watkinson came close to beating the land speed record for bipeds, efficiently bustling his family into their customary back pew just milliseconds before the opening hymn began. At the end of the service, Watkinson and his family had been spotted slipping out the side door and tiptoeing past the old ladies chatting after the service in order to avoid any unwanted conversations.
At publishing time, Todd and James had purchased ghillie suits and planned to hide in the bushes to ambush Watkinson next week.
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