ARLINGTON, VA — In a bid to further solidify the company's push for diversity, equity, and inclusion, Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun announced he would be resigning after evidence surfaced that he is a white male.

Though airplane malfunctions and emergencies continued to make headlines, a company spokesperson stressed that its staunch commitment to DEI practices was the impetus for Calhoun's stepping down after new information revealed his white maleness.

"This was a shocking revelation," the spokesperson said. "Once it came to light that Mr. Calhoun is a white male, everyone knew he could no longer continue as CEO. Boeing takes great pride in placing adherence to DEI principles above everything else — even product quality and passenger safety — and even Dave agreed that his status as a white guy was unacceptable."

An internal investigation found photographs of Calhoun that confirmed he had been a white male his entire life. "It's true," Calhoun said. "I stand before you today to admit that I am, in fact, a white male. This renders me unfit to serve as CEO of Boeing. I accept this, and offer my sincerest apologies."

At publishing time, industry experts predicted the company would fill Calhoun's position with an individual with as much intersectionality as possible, with experience in the aerospace industry not being any factor at all. "Appointing a trans lesbian of color will be a great step forward for our company," the spokesperson said. "And we will be able to continue designing and building airplanes that have the same quality standards you see today."

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