WORLD — A mysterious new virus is forcing millions of people around the world to call in sick to work today, according to sources.
"We've never seen anything like this," said a World Health Organization spokesperson Chad Muskrat to reporters. "It seems to be exclusively affecting males between the ages of 10 and 40. So far, tens of millions in the U.S. alone have called in sick. We are urging everyone to stay in their homes and maybe relax on the couch while, I don't know, playing a video game or something."
"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm feeling a little under the weather myself so I'm gonna go inside now for a while to... um... rest."
Health experts recommend slowing the spread of the deadly new pathogen by quarantining all young men in their rooms or living rooms with a TV for, say, the next 100 hours or so without bothering them except maybe to bring them a sandwich and snacks.
At publishing time, virologists with the WHO reported they expect this pandemic to subside by next Monday morning, or maybe Tuesday, depending on whether they've beaten all the temples or not.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
