PLYMOUTH, MA — Reports indicated that a modern "Underground Railroad" had been established to help the lone black juror from the Lindsay Clancy case escape from angry, violent, white Democrats.
Though shrouded in secrecy, the new Underground Railroad would purportedly use checkpoints along the Atlantic coast to help shepherd the black man away from the thousands of white Northern liberals who have threatened him with violence.
"We've got to get him to the South," said an operative, on condition of anonymity. "He'll be safe if he can just get below that Mason-Dixon line. The Republicans won't let anyone touch him. It's not going to be easy, though. There are mobs of bloodthirsty white liberals all over the North, looking for a lynching. And the feminists. Dear Lord, the feminists. He's secure right now, but we've got our work cut out for us."
Volunteers had reportedly prepared to hide the juror in houses, church basements, and Chick-fil-A stockrooms along the escape route. "We've got our people looking out for any sign of danger, like a shirt saying 'Love Is Love' or 'Believe All Women,'" explained a pastor working the trail. "It's a little different direction from the old Railroad, but it's still black people fleeing angry white Democrats who want to do them harm and force them to do their bidding. Some things never change, I guess."
At publishing time, the juror had reportedly made it safely across the Pennsylvania border after narrowly escaping a mob carrying "BE KIND" signs.
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