CHATTANOOGA, TN — Local fatty Mark Thompson spent all of lunch today explaining to family members how obesity is actually a disease.
As he polished off an appetizer of a dozen fried sticks of cheese covered in queso, Thompson expounded on how the latest science showed that obesity was no different from measles.
"Oh yeah, it's a real disease with doctors and everything," Thompson announced, descending on a plate of hot wings and ranch. "It's just like any other disease you might catch. You can pick up obesity anywhere, you know. Like, someone sneezes, and you breathe in that air, and then — WHAM! You caught the obesity. Next thing you know, you're palms-deep in a tub of Crisco, and the buttons are popping right off your pants."
Thompson's family agreed that there probably were hormonal factors at play, but suggested that a person's choices might also be contributory. "Uh, no one chooses tuberculosis, okay? It's the exact same thing," replied Thompson, face buried in a pecan pie. "You wouldn't ask a guy with tuberculosis why he chose to cough up his lungs, right? So, you shouldn't — burp — ask an obese guy why he's double-fisting sticks of butter. It's all part of the disease."
At publishing time, health experts had warned of a severe obesity outbreak at a local Golden Corral.
Not the Bee Interviews Dr. Frank Turek. You don't want to miss it!
