PALM BEACH, FL—Trump announced this week that he is finally going after Big Tech in the courts with a class-action lawsuit. Mark Zuckerberg and Jack Dorsey initially laughed it off, but their laughter turned to sheer panic once they discovered that newly appointed Judge Mike Lindell will be presiding over the case.
"I will be hearing the case brought by Mr. Trump regarding the crimes against humanity perpetrated by Facebook and Twitter when they kicked the one true president off of social media," said Judge Lindell in a rare statement to the media.
"I will be a lawful and impartial judge in this case and will decide how badly we should punish these evil Tech CEOs. And if anyone tries to argue with me I'll yell 'OBJECTION!' really loud. I can yell that even though I'm a judge, right?"
It is currently unclear how and when Lindell became a Judge.
According to experts, this is all legal since the judge rulebook doesn't specifically disqualify people named Mike Lindell from being judges, and since he's wearing an official black robe and holding a gavel, there's really nothing Big Tech lawyers can do to stop it.
Trump has announced he will be pursuing the death penalty even though his lawyers are telling him he can't do that in a class-action lawsuit.
The entire case will be available on pay-per-view this fall.