WASHINGTON, D.C. - After learning that foreign countries are trying to help other Democratic candidates' campaigns, Joe Biden issued an open call for any foreign country to help him out a bit.
"Seriously, anyone! Prussia! Czechoslovakia! The Holy Roman Empire! They're still around, right?" he said at a campaign speech he thought was in Nevada but was actually in California. "If anyone out there is listening, you spy people from the U.S.S.R. or whatever, I'll willingly accept any help I can get."
"Help a brother out, yo!" he added, though aides quickly motioned for his mic to get cut off before he could continue.
Sadly, even foreign agents say they won't bet on the Biden campaign, since he's got "no chance."
A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report.
If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!