PORTLAND, OR—Local man Trevor J. Gavyn pleaded with his conservative coworker to "believe the science on climate change," though he himself does not believe the science on the number of genders there are, the fact that unborn babies are fully human, and that socialism has failed every time it has been tried.
"It's just like, the science is settled, man," he said in between puffs on his vape. "We just need to believe the scientists and listen to the experts here."
"Facts don't care about your feelings on the climate, bro," he added, though he ignores the fact that there are only two biological genders. He also hand-waves away the science that an unborn baby is 100% biologically human the moment it is conceived and believes economics is a "conservative hoax foisted on us by the Illuminati and Ronald Reagan."
"That whole thing is, like, a big conspiracy, man," he said.
The conservative coworker, for his part, said he will trust the science on gender, unborn babies, and economics while simply offering "thoughts and prayers" for the climate.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.