WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of his administration's expanding efforts to celebrate Pride Month, President Joe Biden has announced the Iwo Jima memorial will be updated to feature the Pride flag.
"This flag is now the most revered symbol in our nation," Biden said during his announcement. "It's only right for the Iwo Jima memorial to be updated to represent the brave men and women and non-men and non-women and those other things who are fighting even more bravely than the soldiers of World War II. These fellas with breasts who were on my lawn — they're the true warriors. Chocolate chip braggleflurven!"
The Iwo Jima memorial, which since 1954 has commemorated all fallen United States Marines and is well-known for its iconic depiction of six Marines raising the American flag on Mount Suribachi, will also be renovated to show the six members of the disco group the Village People raising a rainbow flag atop a glittering, pink pedestal. "It's SUCH an upgrade!" said Katniss Sparkleshine, the artist commissioned by Biden to overhaul the statue. "Out with that old, ugly statue of white colonizers and in with an explosion of fabulous LGBTQ+ flair! Take that, conservatives! Why are you so obsessed with us, you Nazis?!"
Critics of the change being made to the statue immediately gathered in protest but were quickly subdued, arrested, and charged with hate crimes.
At publishing time, updates to the memorial had been scheduled to be completed before the end of the month, with recording artist Lizzo tapped to host the rededication ceremony.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.