ANCHORAGE, AK - The deliberate and premeditated invasion of Ukraine by brutal dictator Vladimir Putin has forced the US to reassess the importance of energy independence. With this new resolve, the Biden Administration has taken its first step toward increasing oil production for Americans by selling Alaska back to Russia so we can start drilling for oil there again.
"Folks, nobody wants to ruin America's beautiful Alaskan wilderness with oil trucks and drilling rigs, come on!" said President Biden in response to questions he thought were coming from a house plant in the West Wing. "But I've never had a problem getting oil from Russia, so there you go, go get him."
Jen Psaki praised Biden's brilliance in finding a solution that would prevent an energy crisis while also preventing new drilling on American land. She pointed out succinctly to journalists, "You see, it's not American land anymore; it's Russian land."
Politicians on both sides of the political aisle criticized Biden for selling Alaska without giving them enough time to sneak friends and family onto the boards of newly-relevant Russian oil companies. They also voiced concern that the negotiator handling both the Alaska sale as well as managing drilling permits was Hunter Biden and not their own children.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: