WASHINGTON, D.C. - Joe Biden has been plagued with questions about his age and mental health, but he's brushed off suggestions that he needs a cognitive test and has even gotten irritable at the suggestion. This came to a head yesterday when he was seen screaming at a pigeon, "I don't need a cognitive test!"

It's unclear what the pigeon said (though most suspect it was some sort of pigeon coo), but it riled up the presidential candidate. "Listen, bucko!" Biden yelled, jabbing his finger at the pigeon. "I get tested every day! You hear me? Why are you just bobbing your head around? Are you some sort of junkie?"

Biden opened up a bag of Wonder Bread he had with him. "I don't know who you little jerks are, but you have to leave me alone," he told the pigeon. "I just like to come to the park and eat a loaf of bread in peace, but you're always pestering me, questioning my mental health, and calling me 'Sally.'" Biden then began cramming slices of bread into his mouth.

That same day, Trump was seen hitting a pigeon out of the air with a baseball bat, but it seemed to be a completely unrelated matter.