WASHINGTON, DC—As Biden inches closer to being a real president-elect and maybe later becoming a real president, journalists are speculating about potential cabinet picks for a possible new administration. When asked about this by giddy journalists in a press briefing, Biden replied that it was "too soon" to name many of his picks. However, he did confirm he will definitely be adding Metamucil to his cabinet.
"I have consulted Metamucil on many an occasion," said Biden. "Metamucil has always been there for me, and there's no one I trust more to keep me regular and return the nation to the top floor of the ladies department store."
According to family sources, Biden spends time with Metamucil at least twice a day -- sometimes more. "Everything about it, from the chalky citrus flavor to the goopy yet grainy texture makes me feel alive again!" said Biden. "I just can't get enough of that stuff! I bet if Donald Trump took it he'd be a lot nicer to me. He's not standing behind me, is he? Please tell me he's not standing behind me!"
In preparation for Biden's arrival to the White House, his transition team has reportedly delivered three pallets of Metamucil, which is enough to last Biden to his second term or death, whichever comes first.
Trump ridiculed Biden's cabinet pick. "Do you really want a president who can't have bowel movements?" he said. "I don't need any help in that area, trust me. I take 12 bowel movements every day with no help at all. Easy!"
The millennial journalists scratched their heads, having no idea what Trump and Biden were talking about.