WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Joe Biden quietly withdrew Whoopi Goldberg's Supreme Court nomination after she downplayed the murder of six million Jews. Goldberg would have made history as the first Black Female Justice™.
"Ugh, she would have been perfect," said Biden, snapping his fingers in frustration. "I love Sister Act."
According to sources, Biden is now scrambling to find another Black woman who can appeal to liberals and Trekkies as well as Goldberg can.
"I'm not losing the Trekkie vote!" Biden screamed at a passing intern.
VP Kamala Harris, who hasn't even won a single Oscar, is rumored to be the next person on Biden's list of "Black People I Know." However, she has categorically denied that Biden is considering her.
"The president wants a competent black woman on the court," said Harris. "He says I am more useful to him as a shield for bad press. And...wait a second - "
Republican leadership has pounced upon the president's indecisiveness by suggesting he's too racist to make a decision.
"Look, Whoopi is as black as they come," said Sen. Mitch McConnell. "It seems to me that if the president weren't racist he'd be accepting Whoopi for who she is. But he's just super racist."
Meanwhile, Attorney General Merrick Garland has maintained he would be happy to accept the nomination if anyone would give it to him.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.