WASHINGTON, D.C. - Pentagon officials have confirmed that Biden placed 8,000 troops on high alert to protect the White House in case Fox News reporter Peter Doocy retaliates for Biden insulting him in a press conference yesterday.
"Listen, man, I want those troops armed and ready to go! I've awoken a sleeping giant here!" yelled Biden to General Milley, who was at the salon getting his nails done. "That Doocy guy is no joke! He could be plotting his revenge right now! I called him a 'stupid sonofab**ch' and I've droned people for lesser insults! Get those troops ready NOW! And bring me some ice cream! I haven't had any in over 30 minutes!"
Milley quickly made a phone call to get his troops mobilized. He then made another call to give Peter Doocy a heads up.
"I'm not planning any retaliation, that Biden guy is crazy!" said Doocy in a statement. "Or... am I?" Doocy's lips then curled upward in an evil right-wing smile.
The State Department informed Ukraine their military protection may have to wait until the Doocy threat has passed.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: