WASHINGTON, DC — In what the media and political experts are hailing as an ingenious move, President Joe Biden has announced a plan to offer "hush money" to 330 million Americans so they won't tell anyone how bad he's doing as President.
"Here's the deal, folks. I cut you a check, you don't tell anyone about me wrecking the country. Deal?" Biden said in brief remarks to the media at the White House before shuffling inside for his afternoon snack and playtime. "If this type of thing works for keeping adult film stars quiet about affairs, I can use it to keep my historically awful presidency quiet. Got it? Hamshamblestuffins!"
The idea comes on the heels of allegations regarding former President Donald Trump's payments to Stormy Daniels following a reported affair. Trump is facing indictment, but President Biden's status as a Democrat is believed to be enough to shield him from any potential accusations of impropriety. "If President Biden were a Republican, this plan would never work," said political analyst Jim Neidhart. "That fact that he's a Democrat — for all intents and purposes — makes him immune to any repercussions from offering hush money."
When asked where the President planned to get the money for this payout of hush money, a White House insider said the administration would simply raise taxes, take more money from citizens, and then offer it back to them. "Pretty much exactly what we did with stimulus checks," the insider said.
At publishing time, President Biden's team had also confirmed cash payouts to hundreds of underaged girls for some reason.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
