Politics
Biden Humiliates Putin By Besting Him In Ice Cream Eating Contest

GENEVA—Many were worried that U.S. President Joe Biden might be run over by the fierce President of Russia, Vladimir Putin, and it certainly seemed like that would happen when the two first sat down together at the Villa la Grange.

“The great Russia will destroy you!” announced the ex-KGB spy to Biden. “And there is nothing you can do about it because you are a doddering old fool!”

Biden, though, seemed unperturbed. “Come on, man,” was all he said.

“There is nothing to come on!” responded Putin. “We will use our magic cyber powers to once again make my best friend, Donald Trump, president, and then the world will be mine! Muh ha ha ha!”

“How about we settle this like men,” Biden suggested. “And have a contest of strength. If I win, you have to leave our elections alone. If you win, you can have... I dunno... Alaska.”

“Agreed!” Putin said. “What contest do you suggest?”

“Ice cream eating,” Biden stated.

Putin laughed. “I will destroy you at this! You are old and feeble and probably lactose intolerant!”

Each of them was handed a two-scoop ice cream cone. A buzzer sounded, and they went to work. Putin dove in, immediately taking large bites, but Biden took a slow approach, taking big careful licks.

“Idiot fool!” Putin exclaimed in between bites. “You are so slow and stupid!” But Putin soon grabbed his head and fell to the ground. “Aieee! Ice cream headache!”

“Slow and steady wins the race, Jack,” Biden said as he continued to lick his ice cream cone.

Biden soon finished all his ice cream before Putin was able to recover, winning the contest. “I am humiliated!” yelled Putin as he ran off crying. “I will never show my face again!”

This masterclass in diplomacy is sure to be studied centuries from now.

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