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Canceling people for having wrong opinions has overtaken baseball as America's national pastime. The cancel mob is always out there looking for its next victim! How will you survive? Here are 8 ways to ensure you won't be next:
1. Buy Twitter: You're also gonna want to buy Facebook too. And the rest of the internet as well. Then you call the shots! Simple!
2. Cancel everyone else first: If you're quick, you can destroy everyone else's lives before they destroy yours! Better hurry!
3. Disown your conservative Uncle Bill, your entire family, and everyone else who may hold right-leaning views: The last thing you want is for people online to discover you're Nazi adjacent! Don't worry, they won't really miss you that much.
4. Live in an undersea lair with no address so people can't dox you: This is important, and relatively easy to do. If Captain Nemo and Jeff Bezos can do it, so can you!
5. Staple your mouth shut and surgically remove your texting thumbs: avoid temptation at all costs.
6. Be perfectly sinless from birth until your death: No sins, no cancellation, right? Jesus was able to do it, and-- no, wait-- he still got canceled. Nevermind.
7. Hang a BLM flag, pride flag, and trans flag outside your house: Hang up all the flags. Be sure to update your pride flag every time they add a new color or you're a bigot.
8. Make a deal with the Devil to never be canceled for the low price of your soul: What good is a soul anyway if you've been canceled? Last we checked, deals with the devil are currently available in Washington D.C. and most Disney retail stores.
If these 8 tips don't work for you, get help from People United For Privacy Foundation!
NOT SATIRE: People United for Privacy Foundation is fighting for free speech and to protect citizen privacy.
Radicals in Congress and cancel culture are attacking the First Amendment by trying to force non-profits to expose their donors. You can help us stop them!
People United for Privacy