WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite the addition of other candidates seeking the Democratic Party's nomination in the 2024 Presidential Election, incumbent Joe Biden's campaign has announced the President will not be participating in the debates due to the looming strike of the Writers Guild of America.
"It's just not reasonable to expect President Biden to go on stage without a script," said Biden/Harris Campaign Manager Julie Chávez Rodríguez. "The President is used to having the finest writing talent in the world provide him, the other candidates, and the moderator with exactly what they're all supposed to say. Taking that away from him would simply not be fair."
While entertainment industry experts had speculated about the impact the upcoming strike may have on film and television production, political analysts did not consider the effect it may have on President Biden's ability to speak in public. "If his regular team of screenwriters goes on strike, it'll be a disaster," said one White House insider. "If we send him out there without a script, he'll end up making up bizarre stories or talking about a squirrel he kept as a pet when he was 10 years old. Trust me, you do not want him up there improvising!"
The White House was reportedly scrambling to bring in overseas writing talent, though the Bollywood writers they were considering may require Biden to memorize intricate dance numbers for his speeches.
At publishing time, the administration was still holding out hope for a last-minute agreement to avoid a strike but was preparing for the worst by recycling Aaron Sorkin scripts from old episodes of The West Wing for use in future press conferences.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.