WASHINGTON, D.C. — As tensions between the federal government and 25 red states over securing the border continued to stoke fears of another Civil War, President Biden cleverly distracted a concerned American public by announcing the start of a new World War.
"It's time to bomb Iran!" said the President to a bowl of melted ice cream on his nightstand. "Those whipper-snappers have been living on borrowed time ever since they chased me and the boys around the pool with switchblades. And if that doesn't do the trick, we'll bomb Russia and China as well. Not a joke!"
Many critics who overheard the conversation questioned the wisdom of such a move, but some in the Republican Party applauded the President's firm stance. "Did someone say 'bomb Iran?'" said Senator Lindsey Graham. "Ooooh baby, I usually wait until the third date for that kind of talk! Is it hot in here?"
Former National Security Advisor John Bolton also applauded the move. "There's nothing I love more than waking up in the morning to the news that we're bombing someone," he said over a breakfast of raw fish being tossed directly into his mouth. He then clapped and grunted loudly.
Experts predict that a Biden World War with a nuclear Iran might take the public's minds off Civil War for at least a couple of weeks. After that, the administration may be forced to activate Taylor Swift.
DOGE is here, and Elon and Vivek will eliminate millions of government positions