U.S. — With the voting results now pointing towards a seemingly inevitable Trump victory, President Biden has graciously called to concede the election.
"I gave it my all. I fought to the bitter end," said President Biden. "You've got to admit when you're beaten, and man do I love chocolate chips beaten into my ice cream. Whoa, baby."
After spending the evening watching the returns come in, aides informed President Biden that he had only received 17 votes, mostly from people who hadn't realized he had dropped out of the race. "Seventeen? That's not bad for a kid from Scranton. Ha!" said Biden. "All the best to Trump. I told folks I was running and I would never drop out. I kept my word, and after losing by 80 million votes, I can hold my head up high."
At publishing time, Trump had graciously accepted a concession call from Biden, then Harris, then Biden again.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
