WASHINGTON, D.C. — After yet another tragic shooting, President Biden has just called for new gun control laws that he can pardon his son for breaking.
According to sources close to the White House, Biden proposed sweeping gun control legislation and has already committed to pardon Hunter Biden after he inevitably breaks those laws.
"Come on, Congress, let's get some new gun laws signed into the Constitution!" Biden reportedly yelled at the episode of 'Matlock' he was watching. "I'm tired of pardoning Beau for the same old...same...you know, the thing! Let's get some common sense gun control into this country, so I can help my boy break them at will! Where's my pen? And where's that nice nurse-broad Jill?"
Biden's statements have been criticized as "out of touch" and "hopelessly corrupt" by several pouncing conservative commentators, who quickly disappeared after bright shining lights were seen over their apartment buildings.
At publishing time, Biden had also called upon Congress to pass some new drug laws so that he could pardon Hunter for breaking them.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
