WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a welcome announcement to thousands of college graduates, President Biden said his administration will be paying off billions in student loans so that people can better afford the high cost of his taxes and runaway inflation.
"We're gonna ignore the ruling of the Supreme Court and erase all these loans, I mean it!" said the President to a push broom in his garage he mistook for a college student. "Don't say I never did nothin for ya! Vote for ol' Uncle Joe in November!"
"Now all you kids will have plenty of money to pay for all the taxes and inflation that keep going up for some reason."
Sources confirm that college students will be forgiven an average of $10,000, which is roughly equal to 2 weeks of groceries, or one order from DoorDash. Experts claim this will provide a temporary boost to the economy, which will then tank after the runaway inflation from the student loan forgiveness goes even higher.
At publishing time, 90% of college grads confirmed they had already spent all their extra cash on ramen noodles, which are now $3,000 per pack.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
