HAMPTON, NH — Capitalizing on its recent increase in publicity, gym chain Planet Fitness announced it will now offer a $20 monthly premium membership where customers will get access to bathrooms without any weird cross-dressing perverts in them.
The company's leadership said the decision to offer the new higher-tier membership is a win-win, with Planet Fitness generating more revenue and members finally having the opportunity to use bathrooms that are free from creepy dudes wearing women's underwear.
"Premium membership gets premium perks!" said Planet Fitness spokesperson Regina Barber. "We've been hearing from more and more of our members who were asking for an option that would allow them to get dressed without mouth-breathing deviants watching them, and we listened! For an increased fee, our more prudish members can now have access to private bathrooms. You're welcome, Planet Fitness Premium members!"
Though current Planet Fitness members said the higher price point wasn't ideal, they were thrilled with the idea of not being creeped out by perverts in the bathrooms. "I'll gladly take the hit," one female member said. "I may be in the minority here, but a premium membership fee is a small price to pay to not have to be leered at in the bathroom while I'm changing. I guess the case could be made that it's a kind of extortion, but what's the alternative? A bearded woman named Eric watching me get dressed? No thanks."
At publishing time, Planet Fitness clarified that the premium membership would not keep perverts from roaming around the gym at all times like they usually do.
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