WASHINGTON, D.C. - Speaking at the end of a hallway in the White House after trying in vain to avoid the White House press corps, President Biden announced that he had been told he's running for re-election in 2024.
"I've been informed that it is my intention to run for re-election in 2024," said the president to a large potted plant instead of the crowd of journalists behind him. "As an exemplar of progressive ideals, it is my duty to lead this country to a better future, or so they tell me."
When asked by intrepid reporters if he is concerned his poor approval ratings might hinder his chances at making it through the primaries, let alone the general election, Biden stopped chewing on the house plant's leaves and told them he will let them know as soon as someone lets him know the answer to that question.
Dr. Jill Biden then jumped out from behind the half-eaten potted plant and informed the press corps there would be no more questions until her husband's inauguration in January of 2025.
She then led her husband away by waving a Biden Treat™ in front of his face.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
