WASHINGTON, D.C.—Catholics across the country are giving things up for the Lent season, and Joe Biden is a really devout Catholic. He's so devout, in fact, that he's agreed to give up something near and dear to his heart for the 40 days of Lent: executive orders.
"God calls on all of us to sacrifice something we love, and I'm going to do my best to refrain from signing unilateral executive orders for the next 40 days," he said in a speech. "I thought about giving up sniffing hair, fumbling over my words, or angrily shouting at reporters who question me for Lent, but no, in the end, it had to be executive orders -- my true love."
Sources also claim Biden had considered giving up his support for abortion for Lent, but the Catholic church says you're not really supposed to give up sin for Lent, just pesky little habits or something you enjoy. Besides, Biden said there'd be no way he could give up his support for baby murder for that long.
At publishing time, Biden had caved in a moment of weakness and signed 47 executive orders, though he's promising to renew his commitment and do better tomorrow.