WASHINGTON, D.C. - Sporting a purple pin-striped suit and top hat while twirling a cane whimsically, President Biden announced today that he has hidden five golden crack pipes among the millions of taxpayer-funded safe smoking kits.
"That's right, my bright, young addicts," said the president while dancing a jig and drooling only slightly, "You could be one of five lucky tent city residents to get your deteriorating fingers on a crack pipe made of goldenly golden gold!"
On the streets of the nation's capital, one lucky recipient - nicknamed "Skillet" by his fellow crackheads - reportedly opened his kit to find a shimmering, golden pipe, ready for use. Dancing for joy among the tarps and cardboard, Skillet thanked Biden for helping him break free of the vicious cycle of drugs, mental illness, and abandonment by helping him smoke more crack.
The White House cited Skillet as just one example of millions of potential lives saved through the Golden Crack Pipe Safe Smoking Kit Magical Sweepstakes, and that this program would be more effective than the silly idea of rebuilding our nation with a strong moral foundation that emphasizes God, family, and personal responsibility.
Skillet could not be reached for comment regarding the program's efficacy, as his friend had stabbed him, then pawned the golden pipe for twenty bucks to score two dimes of crack.
At publishing time, the lucky recipient of the four remaining golden crack pipes was reported to be Hunter Biden.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
