WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, White House aides are in a terrible situation where they constantly have to pick between "angry shouting" pills and "calm creepy whisper" pills for President Biden.

"This one makes him angry and loud . . . but this one makes him really, really creepy," White House aide Tiffany Strog said to herself as she inspected the two pill bottles.

"It really seems like whatever I choose, I lose."

Strog, like many of her colleagues, imagined a world of political intrigue and fighting for the betterment of mankind when they first began taking poli-sci classes. But now it seems they would have been better off going to nursing school since all they do is throw random pills at Biden all day.

"Whatever I choose, I get blamed," Strog lamented. "Honestly, I don't know why we bother. At least when he's on the pills he doesn't sniff my hair."

The medicinal regimen of President Biden has been hotly debated in recent weeks following a disastrous debate performance and follow-up interview with ABC anchor George Stephanopoulos. People want to know what he's taking, why he's taking it, and through which end it's entering the president's body.

Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said only: "You don't want to know."

In the end, Strog went with the angry shouting pills for Biden because he'd have to yell at people for wanting him to resign. "Jake is on pill duty tomorrow, and he'll probably give him both, so we end up with a 'calm creepy angry' Biden," she reflected. "Jake is always trying to play God."

At publishing time, President Biden called into a taping of Morning Joe to shout at Joe Scarborough. White House Aide Tiffany Strog was later reprimanded and fired.

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