Biden Abolishes Office Of President And Names Self Supreme Führer

BERLIN — During his speech last night, Biden abolished the office of the president and named himself Supreme Führer. "It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to accept this new authority I have given myself," said the benevolent ruler. "I love democracy. Once this crisis has abated, I will lay down the powers I have given myself. No, I'm serious. Think about it. Not a joke!" Political dissidents were then rounded up and imprisoned in order to save democracy. The whereabouts of Senator Ted Cruz are currently unknown.

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Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.