EAGLE PASS, TX — With tension still growing in the ongoing standoff between the state of Texas and the federal government, word broke today that both sides had agreed to settle the conflict by having President Joe Biden and Governor Greg Abbott face off in a wheelchair joust to the death.
In the latest attempt to avoid full-scale hostilities, the two sides chose to follow the age-old tradition of having each side choose a hero to compete in winner-take-all one-on-one combat.
"Wheelchairs! At dawn!" Governor Abbott was heard shouting after a tense phone call with President Biden. "We will settle this in the old way. You and me. The victor shall rule the border. When you hear the sound of my wheels drawing near, you will know it is the sound of your impending doom."
The White House confirmed reports that the duel would take place. "The president is ready," said history-making black and gay Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is black and gay. "Though he is still mostly capable of walking, from a mental standpoint, he has been ready to use a wheelchair for several years. We are confident in his victory."
Historians reported that the ancient practice of wheelchair jousts to the death dates back to the Bronze Age, with Nebuchadnezzar II meeting Pharaoh Necho II on the battlefield of Carchemish. "This was the standard means of settling conflicts for many centuries," one researcher said. "It's exciting to see it brought back to prominence."
At publishing time, the White House refused to comment on rumors that the duel would be delayed due to President Biden's inability to learn how to use a wheelchair.
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