LOS ANGELES, CA — Recently laid-off Los Angeles Times reporter Marco Gonzalez was seen standing on a street corner this past week offering to call people racist for food or money.
"These are hard times and we journalists need work just like everyone else," Gonzalez said. "I have a lot of marketable skills like calling people racist, calling people homophobic, accusing air pollution of being ableist, you know, the usual reporter kinda stuff."
The LA Times announced massive layoffs this weekend, with a large number of cuts impacting their culture, politics, and BIPOC issues departments. Gonzalez said he wasn't deterred by his layoff and knows he'll land on his feet soon.
"I spent years at the Times accusing people of being racist for wanting to solve issues like homelessness, immigration, inflation, diabetes, obesity, male-pattern baldness, rat infestations; you name it!" Gonzalez said. "I'd be happy to call anyone you want racist in exchange for a vegan burger or an ethically sourced soy oat milk caramel mocha frappuccino."
As of publishing time, Gonzalez had secured part-time work at a local animal shelter where he spends his time accusing people who don't want to adopt pit bulls of being ‘species-ist' and yelling at his boss for not hiring enough quadriplegic animal control officers.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
