GRAND RAPIDS, MI—A national task force of Bible scholars has voted to raise the biblical age of accountability to 30 for late-blooming millennials. According to this decision, millennials who die before age 30 will receive automatic entry into the kingdom of heaven along with complimentary participation trophies.
Focus on the Family founder James Dobson wrote the majority decision for the task force, explaining that it was “no longer practical to assume that the traditional age of accountability—usually around 12 years old—would be the age by which God held millennials responsible for their eternal destiny.”
“Case studies revealed chronic immaturity, lack of rational decision-making skills, embrace of socialism revealing serious mental abnormalities, and a strong desire to spend each pay check on craft beer, artisan coffee beverages, and slouchy beanies,” Dobson added.
The decision was praised by millennials worldwide, who said “Since our circumstances are not our own fault at all, we totally deserve this decision, obviously.”