BILLINGS, MT—Local Bible-believing Christian Jacob Hamlet declared Tuesday that he denies the widely accepted, secular theory that Pokemon evolve into different types over thousands of experience points. Instead, Hamlet believes that each Pokemon reproduces within its own species with only slight variations over time.
“The Bible says that God created each animal according to its kind; therefore, Charmeleon could not have evolved from Charmander at level 16,” he wrote on his blog, PokemonEvolutionLies.wordpress.com. “Satan’s greatest trick was convincing Pokemon trainers everywhere that their Raichus evolved from Pikachus upon exposure to a Thunderstone, and that creatures like Eevee can evolve into Jolteons, Flareons, Vaporeons, and even others after Generation I.”
Hamlet further claims there is a “vast, satanic conspiracy” to indoctrinate young Pokemon players into believing their creatures evolved, and were not created by God as they currently exist approximately 6,000 years ago. On his website, he states that the various Pokemon strategy guides and online walkthroughs are all faked by evil, God-hating liberals infesting all levels of the gaming industry.