LOS ANGELES, CA—Beto O'Rourke came under fire for his attack on religious liberty at the LGBTQ+++ town hall last night.
But O'Rourke stuck to his guns---metaphorical guns, of course---and fired right back (again, only in metaphor).
"See, this is the problem with this country," he said. "You propose taking away guns, curbing free speech, and taxing people for their religious beliefs, and people immediately jump to that old, archaic, so-called 'Bill of Rights.'" At this moment, he used finger quotes. "That's why, when I am president [this got some chuckles], my first action in office will be to rename the Bill of Rights the Bill of Wrongs."
O'Rourke pointed out that the Bill of Rights actually has a bunch of injustices and wrongs: for one, it doesn't allow O'Rourke to take everybody's private property. For another thing, it doesn't force everyone to believe the same things O'Rourke does. Finally, it allows people to say things that O'Rourke does not like.
"The so-called 'Bill of Rights' is actually a long list of roadblocks to progress," he said. The audience cheered wildly. One transgender black woman started rolling around on the floor as though she were in a Pentecostal church service. Don Lemon fainted of joy.
At publishing time, O'Rourke had committed to forcing Americans to quarter British Redcoats as one of his first acts in office.