WASHINGTON, D.C.—Needing to cool off from the high-stress life of a U.S. senator who has to work three days a week, Bernie Sanders was spotted Tuesday ranting at the wide selection of deodorants at a D.C.-area Target.
"There are people who don't have enough food to eat in this world, and yet there are 29 different brands of deodorant here!" Sanders bellowed, citing the two completely unrelated facts for some reason. "How can we live in a country where you can choose between Cool Mist, Spicy Cinnamon, and Minty Fresh for your underarms? This is what's wrong with America today!"
"Aggghhh!!!" he cried, throwing several deodorant sticks on the ground in protest. Several shoppers attempted to go around Sanders but he blocked the aisle, ranting to them about the 1% and the failures of capitalism before they ran away, frightened.
Target security attempted to apprehend Sanders, but he deployed pocket sand and fled the area.
At publishing time, Sanders was seen in the snacks aisle ranting about how no country needs three different varieties of Flamin' Hot Cheetos.