HAVANA—One of America's richest socialists, Bernie Sanders, arrived in Havana today after learning there was an uprising against the Communist regime. While many have been voicing their support for the protesters fighting for freedom, Sanders instead tried to quell the protests, informing the demonstrators that they have some of the best healthcare, housing, and other social programs in the world.
"Please disperse! You have excellent healthcare and housing programs!" Sanders cried through a megaphone in an attempt to calm things down. "Not everything was bad about the Communist revolution. Fidel Castro, OK, he wasn't perfect, but there were very good people on both sides!"
One man read the sign Sanders was reading, which said, "Demand more communism now!", and got upset. "Communism has led to death and destruction here in Cuba, old man!" he shouted.
Sanders then pointed out that the amazing literacy programs of Castro were actually what helped the man read the sign: "See, though, the only reason you're able to read this sign is because of the literacy programs of the regime, which are some of the best in the world. You should be more grateful, hermano!"
At publishing time, Sanders had flown back to America to close on his fourth house "to demonstrate how capitalism can lead to excess and debauchery."