BURLINGTON, VT—On Wednesday the Bernie Sanders campaign was disappointed to learn that the nearly $6 million in campaign contributions was donated in Bolivars---Venezuelan currency. When converted to US dollars, the Sanders campaign actually raised only $22.
The press marveled at how, in just 24 hours after Bernie announced his 2020 bid for president, his contributions reached such high totals. “The Bernie Bros are definitely the most passionate bunch in the progressive party,” said political analyst Doug Parson, “but typically they take other people's money, not voluntarily donating their own."
“It was quite the letdown,” said Sanders’ campaign manager Faiz Shakir. “That country hasn’t been doing us a lot of favors lately, but this takes the cake. Technically, we just spent our entire war chest on this morning’s parking,” he fumed.
The Bernie campaign did reach out to Comcast to inquire about how much commercial ad space $6 million in Venezuelan bucks would get them. “Nothing,” said a Comcast official. “But because we’re Bernie fans, we’ll give you a flicker. Remember those subconscious flickers in Fight Club? We’ll give you a few of those.”
At first, Bernie himself seemed unfazed by the news, apparently because he doesn't really know what things cost. “We can probably afford a presidential campaign on $22, right?” he asked his volunteers while waving his arms around. When an intern told Bernie her last Starbucks run cost about that much, Bernie briefly lost consciousness. Upon waking, Bernie softly whispered, “Blast that Howard Schultz.”
While Bernie has now learned $22 won’t go very far in America, he was upbeat about the shopping spree he would now get to take on his next trip to Venezuela. “I can't decide if I want to buy two slices of bread or a single potato!” Sanders exclaimed. Bernie has often said he likes to travel to Venezuela in the fall because that’s when the days are cooler and the food lines are the longest.