ST. LOUIS, MO — Local consumers were caught in a familiar but confusing position this week after television advertisements from a popular beer manufacturer urged viewers to "drink responsibly" while simultaneously prompting them to purchase as much beer as possible.
"We want everyone to enjoy our beer, but not more than they legally should," said Anheuser-Busch marketing executive Tim Longobardo. "Everyone should buy cases and cases of beer, fill their homes with it, have it handy for all occasions, enjoy it at all times of the day, but please, whatever you do, drink responsibly."
Consumers were unsure how to respond to the seemingly incongruous messaging of the advertising. "Let me get this straight," said beer enthusiast Clifford Martin. "I'm supposed to imbibe as much beer as I possibly can while simultaneously not drinking so much that I end up sprinting down the middle of the freeway in my underwear? That's a fine line. Some more explanation may be necessary here."
The beer maker was sympathetic to the customer's request. "We understand that this seems like mixed messaging," Longobardo said. "What we really want is for our product to be in the hands of the public at all times and be the beverage they choose to hydrate themselves with rather than water, but we also want them to bear all of the responsibility for making sure they don't become fall-down plastered in the process. So drink a lot. But do it responsibly. Be responsibly impaired."
At publishing time, Clifford Martin was last seen downing his twelfth beer before lunch after making sure he chained himself to his front porch to avoid running out into oncoming traffic.
BIG NEWS: We made a movie, and you can watch the trailer NOW: