The Bee Explains: Main Differences Between Popular Bible Translations
Scripture · Oct 13, 2017 ·

Have you noticed how many Bible translations are available these days? There are so many to choose from that it can get downright overwhelming. Lucky for you, we at The Babylon Bee are world-class Bible experts - fluent in the original Hebrew, Greek, and King's English - and we are here to explain the main differences between the most popular versions of the Holy Scriptures.


The Nearly Inspired Version continues to be the best-selling Bible translation, even after it was revealed that radical left-wing feminist Lena Dunham sat on the translating committee for its 2011 textual update and convinced the rest of the folks that it was time to smash the patriarchy. This version of God's word strives for an optimal balance between dynamic equivalence, formal equivalence, and gender term inaccuracies.


The Not Literal Translation is very popular among those who like God's Word delivered through slang, emojis, and internet shorthand. It was developed by a group of teens in a Christian high school as a class project. Example: the NLT carefully renders John 3:16 as "lol smiley smh #YASSS tbh"


The Knoweth Jesus Version has legions of disciples who herald it as the only legitimate form of the Scriptures, claiming that all others have been developed through a partnership between the New World Order and Satan himself in order to make sure they don't knoweth Jesus. KJVers contend that modern Satanic versions intentionally obscure important Christian truths like the Trinity, the divinity of Christ, and the NASA flat-earth cover-up. Also a top choice for readability, memorization, and open-air preaching at sporting events.


A coalition of Masonic cultists and homosexuals decided it would be a good idea to tamper with the KJV for some reason, ripping out sacred words like "thee" and "thine" and replacing them with words you can actually understand, giving rise to the Not Knoweth Jesus Version.


A group of really lazy translators in the early 1960s decided to just copy the Greek and Hebrew manuscripts of the Scriptures word for word, throwing readability to the wind, and the result was the Nerdy Academics' Snooty Bible. Parsing convoluted renderings and scratching your head trying to figure out what a sentence could possibly mean is half the fun of Bible reading, anyway.


For the Bible nerd who wants everyone to think he's cool, the Elect Standard Version is perfect. Crossway has pumped out literally billions of different varieties so people will know that you're one of the unique elect. We highly recommend the authentic mink cover with real tobacco-scented pages - you haven't read the Bible until you've read a designer ESV.


The Cool Southern Baptist version is the new kid on the block, made by and for Southern Baptist believers, in an effort to poach some of the ESV's cool factor. It seems to be pretty popular so far, even though it has stoked a bit of controversy by its rendering of Esau selling his birth right for "casserole."

The Message

Renowned author and Bible scholar Eugene Peterson painstakingly translated the Scriptures from the original languages into a lit freestyle rap. Peterson reportedly spent decades undercover with a violent Detroit gang in order to develop the rich vocabulary and colorful metaphors packed into The Message. There are also rumors that heavy marijuana and LSD use aided him in his translation process.

What are the main differences between the most popular Bible translations? Now you know!

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