HAWTHORNE, CA—Welp, this could be a bad sign: donning a ratty cloak and sporting a wildly overgrown beard, tech entrepreneur Elon Musk just took a position outside his latest SpaceX starship and began summoning two of every kind of creature on earth to board the craft.
Crying to the heavens, Musk called the creatures to himself through some kind of divine intervention. “Heed my cry, and flee the wrath that is to come!” he bellowed as bewildered SpaceX employees walked into the office. A freak lightning storm began brewing overhead as he continued to implore animals of every sort to seek safety aboard the ship.
“He’s been acting a little weird lately,” one source at SpaceX told local news crews. “Growing out the full-on biblical beard, muttering something about the end of days, eating lots of Ezekiel bread. He’s always been an odd duck, but this time it was over the top. We’re worried about him. Elon, bud, if you’re watching this—get help, man.”
But to the surprise of many, creatures began showing up at the scene within minutes, with elephants, donkeys, zebras, giraffes, and other exotic land animals obediently herding themselves onto the ship, which is reportedly outfitted with enough stalls to hold at least a pair of each “kind” of animal, and seven pairs each of something Musk calls “clean animals.” The spaceship is said to be built out of a new experimental material code-named “gopher wood,” designed to travel to stars up to 40 light years away.