AUSTIN, TX — A barista working the morning shift at a local Starbucks had plenty of wisdom to volunteer upon an unsuspecting customer wearing a Tesla t-shirt about how Elon Musk was making all the wrong financial decisions.
"Elon Musk is the worst and I'm surprised he's not, like, bankrupt already," said the barista of the world's wealthiest man responsible for Tesla, Space-X, and cool flamethrowers. "Plus one of his rockets exploded — I'VE GOT A TRIPLE LATTE FOR MELODY — I mean what an idiot."
The barista continued his intricate dismantling of the man behind PayPal, Zip2, and other successful enterprises. "They say he's created over 600,000 jobs or something. Big whoop. I heard George Soros — CARAMEL DOUBLE EXTRA FROTH FOR PHTEPHEN — created like a billion jobs. Now there's a real businessman."
At publishing time, the manager had berated barista Keith Olbermann for yelling at customers again.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
