OTTAWA, CANADA — Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced the separation from his wife of 18 years Tuesday, shocking millions of Canadians who reportedly had no clue the effeminate leader had been married this whole time, least of all to a woman.
"Oh wow, he was married?" said normal Canadian woman Jill Thorleaf. "That's nice. Wait -- to a woman? Really?? Huh. Wow. I had no idea. Good for him."
In a brief statement, Trudeau called for privacy as his life crumbled around him. "Please stop asking if Sophie was really a woman," said a tearful Trudeau. "You're hurting my feelings! Sophie is real. She's real! The next person who asks is getting curb stomped by a Mountie!"
Trudeau's Canadian wife, who no one has ever seen and may not exist, has reportedly had her bank account and assets frozen pending reconciliation. If she returns home and lets her husband decorate the living room of the Rideau Cottage the way he wants, she will be welcomed back with open arms. "The ball is in her court," Trudeau maintained. "She has to stop having her own opinions and feelings."
"Or else," he added ominously.
At publishing time, the Canadian press was mourning what has been deemed a terrible setback for interracial marriage in Canada.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.