WASHINGTON, D.C. — As news dropped that former President Donald Trump was facing a third federal indictment, Democrats were quick to explain that no American citizen is above the law they only selectively enforce.
"Absolutely no one is exempt, unless we say so," said Attorney General Merrick Garland. "Even the President is subject to the law, except in cases where I decide he can totally do whatever he wants without any consequences whatsoever."
Public outcry has continued over indictments of Trump, with many people pointing out that Trump always seems to be indicted right after another Biden family corruption bombshell drops. "Funny how that happens, isn't it?" said Mr. Garland. "Total coincidence. The fact of the matter is that Mr. Trump is not above the law. As for President Biden and his family, well — hey! Is that a bobcat over there?!" Garland then sprinted out of the briefing room while reporters were looking the other way.
In order to make the disparate enforcement of the law less confusing, the Department of Justice announced they will build a new, two-tiered office building for prosecuting people of differing political parties. "Labeling the two tiers of the justice system more clearly should help with all the confusion," explained Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "In the left building, the prosecutors hand you a card that gives you immunity from being indicted for any crime, forever. In the right building, prosecutors will beat you senseless, kill your dog, and frame you for murder. Finally, people will know exactly what to expect."
At publishing time, Kim Jong-Un had reportedly berated Biden for making prosecution of his political opponents too obvious.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
