Baptists Introduce More Modest Floor-Length Tree Skirts
Christian Living · Dec 11, 2020 ·

U.S. - A coalition of Baptist believers has addressed a pressing issue for the modern believer: immodest tree skirts, which barely cover anything and leave little to the imagination.

The less revealing, floor-length denim tree skirts are handmade from denim and promise to make your Christmas the purest one yet.

"Secular tree skirts show you everything -- literally flaunting the ornaments in your face," said Patrick Hempley, a Baptist minister from Oak Junction, Alabama. "These tree skirts cover what God intended to be covered."

Some fundamentalist preachers say the skirts aren't enough, though.

"JUST LOOK AT THAT TREE -- LETTING ALL THOSE ORNAMENTS HANG OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE!" shouted Phoenix-area preacher Stan Anderson. "THIS IS GOING TO BE THE DOWNFALL OF AMERICA! COVER IT UP LIKE GOD INTENDED, PEOPLE! MODEST IS HOTTEST! AHHHHHH!!!" He then attempted to punch a hole in the wall to show how masculine he is, but he broke his wrist and got an owie.

At publishing time, Baptists had introduced matching flowy polo blouses and sneakers.

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