BIRMINGHAM, AL — Pastor Donald Rogers of Second Baptist Birmingham started today's service by unveiling a new church disclaimer that any lyrics about lifting up your hands should be understood as strictly metaphorical.
"Actually raising your hands is for hippies and crazy people," explained Pastor Rogers. "All such lyrics should be understood as an image of what our spirits are doing inside our very, very still bodies."
The disclaimer comes on the heels of a recent incident where a front-row member, fresh off attending a recent revival service, took a song lyric about raising her hands in worship far too literally. "To be clear, all directives in songs should be understood metaphorically," said Pastor Rogers. "Obviously, that applies to lyrics about shouting for joy, dancing for the Lord, and pretty much anything but staring straight ahead with your hands in your pockets. Your singing should also be just barely audible, do not go overboard with that 'joyful noise' business."
Asked for clarification on what would be acceptable during worship, the Associate Pastor Dean Cook explained that the congregation's hands should ideally never rise above waist-level. "You may remove your hands from your pockets to fold them across your belt line - that is all," said Pastor Cook. "Don't think I don't see you subtly turning your palms up - ahem, Mrs. Beckinsdale! And absolutely no swaying!"
At publishing time, Mrs. Beckinsdale had reportedly caused another church scandal by clapping after the morning's "Special Music."
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.