NEW YORK CITY, NY — As the jury deliberates in the State of New York v. Trump criminal trial, sources within the courtroom claim that four court bailiffs have gone ahead and begun casting lots to split up Trump's clothing.
The bailiffs allegedly divided Trump's luxury Italian Brioni suit into four parts, one part for each bailiff, before realizing that his dress shirt with a "45" monogram was in fact seamless and woven from one piece from top to bottom. Onlookers claim to have heard the lead bailiff tell his fellow officers, "Let us not tear it - instead, let us cast lots to see who will get it."
Alina Habba, one of Trump's defense attorneys, has claimed that the bailiffs' actions are actually the fulfillment of an ancient prophecy. "As it is written in Think Like a Billionaire, chapter 7, "Brioni suits are the best - everyone says so. In fact, they'll try to steal mine at some point. They'll probably even have to roll dice."
"SAD! BAD! THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO," Trump posted to Truth Social. "These LOSERS probably have never even seen a suit this nice before. They would have no idea how to tie this tie, it will be so sad to see. Clown show!"
At publishing time, bailiff number three had been heard shouting with delight as he landed Trump's signature golden sneakers.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
